ultra_fic | Merry Christmas, sigrundora!

sigrundora - My lovely friend, I hope I did justice to your prompt. It's a little cracky in places, but that's cool, right? Hope you enjoy! :)

Title: The Babysitters Club
Fandom(s): Leverage
Prompt: Eliot, Sterling, and Parker - Adventures in Babysitting
Timeline: post Season 5
Rating: PG/PG-13
Disclaimer: Any and all recognisable characters do not belong to me.

"First rule of the Babysitter’s Club, never talk about Babysitter’s Club,” said Eliot darkly.

Parker cracked up, sure he was making a joke. She stopped abruptly when she realised he wasn’t.

“Seriously? We can’t tell anybody about this? ‘Cause I thought...”

“No!” said Sterling sharply, coming off much less severe than he meant to when the baby in his arms suddenly stuck his little fingers in the Interpol agent’s mouth.

That even got a chuckle out of Eliot. It was a pretty crazy situation they had got themselves into. The job had come up on a holiday weekend that the team had hoped to take off. Hardison was away visiting his Nana, so it was up to Eliot and Parker to go it alone, well, not quite alone. Sterling had gotten himself involved, and due to a ridiculous attempt at a cover story that back-fired, the baby son of the rich businessmen they were supposed to be taking down had quite literally been dumped in the laps of Eliot, Parker, and their not-so-friendly Interpol agent frenemy.

“Look, we just gotta find somebody else to take little Joey here off our hands,” said Eliot easily. “A nanny, a maid, this house has to be crawling with staff...”

“Except that it’s not,” said Parker with a look. “You remember the part where we waited until the house was on minimum staff levels to break in, right?”

“Damnit!” the hitter muttered.

Sterling moved awkwardly as the baby continued to wriggle and squirm in his arms. Giving up entirely, he handed the child over to Eliot, dumping him unceremoniously into the hitters arms.

“You two deal with the child,” he said snippily. “I’ll find us an escape route. Can’t be that hard.”

“You scared of a little kid, Sterling?” asked Eliot as he backed off way too much, as if Joey were in fact an unexploded bomb.

“Hardly, Spencer. I am a father, as you well know,” the agent replied with a smirk.

“I don’t think you really got your hands dirty there from what I heard,” Eliot shook his head. “And you ain't exactly lovin’ the little bundle we got ourselves stuck with.”

“I think he’s cute,” said Parker, ruffling the small child’s hair and getting his attention. “You’re cute, you know that, right?” she smiled at him.

Joey babbled something incoherent and clapped his hands. Eliot laughed and hefted the child higher in his arms.

“Look, all we gotta do is...” he stopped talking abruptly when a sound caught his attention.

Turning around to face the door, he determined two sets of footsteps, and the cocking of at least one gun. His eyes narrowed, and he handed off the child to Parker. Not daring to speak when he might be heard, he signalled what he needed her to do then moved quickly, dragging Sterling by the sleeve towards the closet in which the two were soon secreted.

“What the hell are you...?” Sterling began to ask, but Eliot literally stopped him with a hand over his mouth.

He signalled for silence with his free hand too, just to emphasise the point. It was safest for Parker to be alone with the baby, she could pass herself off as the new nanny to anyone that asked, and if things got bad, Eliot had the element of surprise on his side now.

For ten whole minutes, Eliot and Sterling stayed in amongst clothes and shoes, rather more pressed up against each other than either would like. They listened as two men came into the baby’s room and quizzed Parker on why she was there, where Joey’s parents were. She put on an Eastern block accent, stuck to generic answers, mostly pleading ignorance, whilst keeping a cover story in place. Whoever had the gun, they must’ve kept it hidden, and soon the mysterious armed men were leaving with no more trouble.

“Hey, guys?” Parker called softly near the door. “You can come out of the closet now,” she said cheerfully.

Sterling and Eliot shared a look a they stepped out one after the other, both shaking their heads and deciding Parker couldn’t possibly have meant what that sounded like. Either way, they weren’t going to make a big deal about it, it wasn’t worth it.

Joey laughed and clapped his hands, wriggling for Parker to put him down onto the floor. Once there he happily crawled around everybody’s feet, finding it quite an amusing game. Eliot couldn't help but smile, even though this was a pretty serious situation they were in, the baby included.

“I’m guessing it’s not literally the baby they’re after or they would’ve fought me for him,” said Parker thoughtfully. “Same if it was something they thought was hidden in the room, right?”

“Right,” Eliot nodded.

“They probably thought his father was hiding out in here, using the kid for cover,” said Sterling.

“No, if they thought that, they would’ve found us,” the hitter disagreed. “Last thing we need right now is another variable,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead as he tried to figure out where they went from here.

All deep in thought, nobody noticed that baby Joey was making a serious face, something akin to severe concentration, though no nine month old should ever have a need to think that hard. He was practically sat on Sterling’s fancy Italian shoes when he started to cry and fuss.

“What?” asked the agent as he stared down at the baby. “What is the matter with you now?” he checked, leaning down some.

He recoiled in horror as a pungent odour assaulted his nose.

“Oh no, I am not paid enough for that!” he complained.

“What?” said Parker curiously, before backing up at least eight paces when she realised what was wrong. “Ick. No way!” she shook her head vehemently, determined she wasn’t going to be the one to deal either.

Eliot was plenty tough enough to do this, the hitter thought to himself, and yet he would like to avoid it if he could.

“Parker,” he said, glancing her way. “Find us an exit, one that’ll get us and junior out unscathed,” he told her, just this side of an order which she would usually argue, but in the circumstances, she’d take it. “I’ll check the perimeter and try to call Hardison, see if he can knock out some cameras remotely. I don’t wanna mess up his Nana visit, but we need help here.”

“Who’s going to deal with...?” Sterling began before catching sight of the smirk on Eliot’s face. “Oh, no. Not a chance, Spencer,” he said definitely.

Eliot leaned in close to Sterling until their noses practically touched.

“You got two options, Sterling,” he told him in a low voice that made the other man shiver involuntarily. “You deal with the kid or...”

“Or what?” the agent asked, trying to look brave, failing miserably.

“Else,” said Eliot simply.

Sterling swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and then bent down to pick up baby Joey. He walked away towards the changing table, and Eliot bit his lip until he was over by the window, out of sight of the agent. He speed-dialled his friend’s cell and waited for him to pick up.

“Hey, Hardison. Need a little help, man. But first, you won’t believe what I got Sterling doing...”